Listen boo, never compromise your mental heath for romantic interest...
A few lessons I've learned about dating and relationships...
“...some relationships can trigger or magnify your mental state. While I was dating my ex, the trauma I endured heightened my mental and emotional triggers on a daily basis, sending me into a tailspin."
Rule #102: The Right Relationship is Key
The older I get, the more I begin to realize how important it is to be more selective about the men I pursue. Of course, I want him to be tall dark and handsome but I also want him to be active in my mental and emotional concerns too. For years I tried balancing the two, and after much practice I am just now able to experience the difference.
For instance, some relationships can trigger or magnify your mental state. While I was dating my ex Kory, the trauma that I endured heightened my mental and emotional triggers on a daily basis. During my early twenties, my disorder began to manifested react to the triggers around me. At the time, I had no one. I had left my hometown, my mother and I were not speaking, and Kory was all that I had. I never knew was anxiety was back then but looking back, I had all the symptoms. My heart raced, my stomach turned I couldn't sleep and I was irritable. The physical abuse as well as the mental were a breeding ground for my disorders foundation.
I remember one day when Kory returned home from practice, and I began talking to him about something that had bothering me for a while. I had began telling him about my stomachaches and insomnia and how I felt myself becoming depressed. Kory blew me off about the topic until he stumbled in around later that morning around 3:00 AM intoxicated. I was laying in bed when he asked me to move closer to him, I did.
“Baby I was serious about what we were talking about earlier, I really need us to be on the same path”, I said, laying with my head in his lap.
“I know how to help you, come here”, Kory said has he began exposing himself.
“No not tonight, babe. I’m not in the mood to have sex with you,” I tried to reason.
“You keep talking about whats wrong with your head, give me your head and I’ll show you” Kory insisted, as he began forcing himself in my mouth.
The struggle grew as I resisted his forced attempts to make me pleasure him, orally. We fussed at each other back-and-forth a few more moments before he made his feelings clear.Kory grabbed the back of my neck and forced my head downward before smashing my face into the foreskin. I could smell the perfume of other women lingering upon his skin from the past hours they were together. He gripped my head in between his legs as he took his free hand and shoved his dick into my mouth.
“You better not bite my shit either. Keep your fucking teeth out the way,” he ordered.
I smacked his chest and thighs as I flung my hands and arms about, trying to ease myself out of his grip.
He held my head down, forcing himself inside of my mouth until he climaxed.
I ran into the bathroom, feeling sick and disgusted. No matter how long I brushed my teeth, or how many times I gargled my mouthwash, I still tasted his dirty skin, tainted by another woman. I brushed and gargled and spit, repeatedly, trying to get her and him out of my mouth and out of my head. I wanted to wash it all away.
Kory had no interest in my mental or emotional wellbeing, only in destroying it. These types of interactions continued, making me lose myself mentally and emotionally. I spent years, with no-one to confide in about my concerns mentally. Instead, I was forced to figure it out while I was at the mercy of someone I deeply loved. Kory had no idea how to love me, and the saddest part is I didn’t either.
I don't know how crucial it was for someone to value my mental health until my late-mid twenties when I moved back to Florida with my current boyfriend Junior. Initially, Junior wasn’t too keen on the idea of being involved with my mental health, but a lot of that had to do with the stigma and education on the subject. For Junior, my disorder was merely mind-over-matter and he felt a lot of my actions and emotions could be controlled. About two years into the relationship, I had to have a serious conversation with him regarding my tolerance and my mental state.
“During the last relationships I was in, I spent the majority of my time hiding who I was while suffering in silence”, I explained. “I refuse to be in a relationship like that again, I really think it’s in your best interest to research the matter and learn”, I declared.
“I hear you baby girl. You know I love you so I’ll get me a couple of books and keep an open mind” he agreed, “… just tell me what I need to do”.
From that point on, expressing myself was that simple.
I was able to seek the treatment and assistance I needed without judgement or fear, allowing me to be better for not only myself, but for him as well.
Outside of seeking treatment and help, dating someone who valued my mental health as much as I did played a key role in how I dealt with and handled life. That extra boost of encouragement and support not only made me better but it made our relationship better in the long run. Those who suffer from any form of mental illness, weather its depression, bi-polar disorder anxiety and so on, should make sure that any romantic commitments are made not at the expense of your mental health. When you place the safety and trust of your mental wellbeing at the hands of of those unsuitable to to handle it, you place yourself in grave danger for both short term and long term destruction.
End The Stigma of Mental Health.