Updated: May 17, 2019
Girl, its okay if you're hurt...
A few lessons I've learned about masking my feelings.
“...and it was through this generational handbook, that I learned how to become a woman."
Rule #101: Don't Mask Your Pain |
I love makeup, but what girl doesn't these days. Right? I'm a Fenty Pro Filt’r with a splash of Trophy Wife kinda-girl. Thank God for YouTube because chile, I would have no idea. Every girl remembers her first time wearing make up, mine was during my junior in high school. I remember it changing my life, and changing the way I allowed others to view myself. Makeup was my friend, it was a part of me and the moment I started using, it I knew I would never stop.
My teenage years were a bit of a whirlwind, to say the least, and impacted much of my adult life. I dealt with a lot. I was trying to figure out who I was amidst my mother and step-fathers zoo of a divorce. I began having feelings I had no explanation for, and top of everything else, I was juggling life as a teenager. I was angry, confused, and I suffered in silence. I remember being seventeen, going to school with my makeup beat and outfit fresh, doing whatever I needed to make sure my appearance was perfect. I would spend so much time making sure the exterior was intact because deep down I knew inside, I wasn’t.
These feelings and emotions continued into my early twenties, manifesting itself periodically. During that time, I fell in love with a man who made all of my dreams come true, as well as disappear. Kory was powerful, controlling and had a bit of a mean streak, atlas he was beautiful. Kory was a man compromised by his ego, and fearful of none. During a down period in his NFL career, Kory’s behaviors and character began to show themselves in a crimson light. There were times where I had encountered physical and sexual abuse, and resolved the matter by pretending it didn't happen. I was more afraid of who I was without him, so I relied on a roof of my past, makeup, to cover up various black eyes and scars. I was an expert at masking secrets. I was accustomed to it,and I was accustomed to pain.
As a little girl, I learned how to become a woman through the lives of the women around me. Their teachings taught me how to be bold, beautiful, black and even brazen. I learned how to love and how to fight from these women, and it was through their generational handbook, that I learned how to become a woman.
Just three years ago, I moved to Miami, Florida with my boyfriend, leaving aside, my comfort and normality. The balance of adjusting to a new state and meshing his culture with mine was a bit overwhelming, and began to heighten my emotions. I was a ticking time-bomb, just waiting to detonate. My energy was high, I couldn't sleep, my shoulders were tense, and my demeanor was hostile. I was miserable. I was in need of some help. At the time, my relationship with my boyfriend was still fairly new and I heard his response to my truths. So I suppressed, and did everything I could to maintain. Until I couldn't. I had masked my feelings and trauma so well that those around me couldn't see how unhealthy I was through my gold glittery in my Fenty highlighter. I needed help, but I kept it a secret, masking it all with makeup, lies and deception.
This is what I was taught.
As a child, I learned early on, the power of keeping secrets. Secrets flew rapid throughout my family, creating vicious generational cycles. We all had our secrets, and we all kept them dear. I kept secrets, my mother kept secrets and my grandmother kept the secrets about the blood that flows within this family. These secret could have saved me and they could have taught me how to survive. They taught me how to fight in silence, and how to sleep with denial. They could have taught me about the rage that howls brighter than the moon, or the pools of depression, those sleepless nights and energetic mornings. Instead, they brushed rogue on their cheeks and pressed lipstick onto their lips, concealing the truth.
The power of your light can end the stigma, but only if you allow it. Be open and upfront about your feelings and concerns with your loved ones and friends. Try not to mask emotions or problems or else they could get worst.
You owe it to yourself to be honest with you
End The Stigma of Mental Health.